Friday, April 21, 2006

This is getting old

Okay this crying crap is getting old, and frankly I don't like it. That is why I'm not much of a crier to begin with. I just got done talking to J and well it seems everytime I get done talking to him I get upset and think I've done and gone messed things up with our relationship. This is another reason why i haven't had a relationship since my last long term one. I forgot all the pain that comes with one. I forgot how painful love actually can be at times. How I can get very frustrated when things don't go they way they are supposed too. We are never going to get the damn house done. I was supposed to go over tonight and finish up the painting. I can't make myself do it, i'm just tired of doing it all by myself. I don't think I will ever get help on this project.

I was embarrassed when my father helped me move in the curio cabinet on Wednesday. I never thought I would be like that ever, but my God the house is a pit. It's actually the real "Money Pit". I was embarrassed when Laura came over to see it. I just don't know...I think that maybe keeping this apartment after we are married and make him live here while we TRY to fix up the house would be a better Idea. This however I have not brought up with him. I don't want to step on stones that can eventaually be picked up and thrown at me.

You know I was perfecting fine a month ago. Nothing was stressing me out. Nothing was making me upset. But it's been this month that all this has hit me. BAM. It's got to get this done and done now! I don't know.

Maybe I'm making a Mistake, and if I am it's a very costly one for my mother and father. I dont' want this to be a mistake, but at times I begin to wonder. Wonder on things that will come along down the road. Maybe I should sit down and talk to my mother about things. I don't want her to know what is going on in my relationship as this is mine and really none of her business (plus i never have been able to talk about that kind of deep stuff with her).

I think i push people away, and I don't mean to, it's just natural for me to do so. I think I push them to the point that they are just not willing to try anymore. I don't know why I do this, why I must test others, because in the end the only on that gets hurt is me. I've never been good at relationships, I mean the deep part that comes with them. I love the parts when we go do things together but when it's just the two of us alone I get really nervous. I feel like I'm an actress playing a part, and not doing so hot with it.

I'm just wierd i guess. I guess I always thought that relationships were supposed to be easy. I am rudely finding out they are not, they are some times messy, lovely, weird, sweet, rude, compassionate...and other things.

Well all I can do is ask the Lord for his help, help me be who he wants me to be, help me with this whole relationship thing, help me with trying to let J know how i feel with out loosing my marbles. Just Plan help me!

4 of you stopped by and said:

At 8:54 PM, Blogger BarnGoddess said...

Butterflychic26-hang in there, it'll get better. Definately talk to your man about how you feel. You'll both feel better : )

 
At 10:02 PM, Blogger butterfly_chic26 said...

barngoddess - thanks, i think it's pms LOL. hopefully it will all pass next weekend, heh!

 
At 7:52 AM, Blogger BarnGoddess said...

ahhhh pms, you'd think in this day and age there would be a cure for such a hideous ailment. Lets put another man on the moon instead! I hate it when men run the show, dont you?

 
At 8:57 AM, Blogger butterfly_chic26 said...

oh goodness yes!!

 

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