Sunday, June 04, 2006

In bit of a phunk

LONG POST

As i sit here in my house all alone late on a saturday night, I can't help but fell...well alone.

I've been in this phunk the last couple of days, well okay almost a month now, but really has gotten bad the last couple of days.

I have always had these spells ever since I can remember, even at a very young age. I always ask the same question over and over again, "Why did God put me on this earth?" I know it's not just to take up space and breath his air, there's got to be more than that. There's got to be a purpose out there for me to be here. My best friend Laura doesn't even know that I think this. This is something that I have been bottleing up my whole life. It's not just wondering what am I supposed to be doing or where am I supposed to go from here? It's I've screwed up everything I have ever done in my life. It's like I take a step forward and then as soon as that happens it's like I take 10 steps back. It seems like I will never be able to reach that goal, whatever that goal may be.

I've stopped asked the questions "God why did you let me be born?" I used to ask that one a lot when i was in junior high and high school. I finally figured that he has something instore for me, I just wish he would hurry up and show it to me. I used to curse my biological mother for even having me, she made a choice, she really didn't want me, so why have me? Then I realized it's because I was not ment to be her daughter. I was meant to be the daughter of the parents I have now. I have put them through so much it's not even funny. No I never was a drug addict, although I have dappled in it as almost any teen has, I don't sleep around, and up until I went to college really never drank that heavy.

What I mean by I put my parents through a lot is, I was not a nice person. I have been mean to a lot of people in my life. I regret this also, I have recently apologized to my mother. We used to have the most horrible fights ever imaginable. Sure mother and daughters have their fights, but shew, ours was almost punching each other lights out kind of fights. Don't get me wrong my mother never hit, she yes slapped me, but never hit. I deserved those slaps also, if I was the mother and my daughter was saying what she was saying to me as I did her, I'd be in jail for killing my own child.

I've been doing alot of thinking this past week of why I am the way I am. Why I don't get emotionally attached to people, and once I feel that I am, I freak and run as fast as I can the other direction. I believe that the first years of a persons life is the most impressionable, this meaning like to the age of 2 or 3. This is when a child learns how to love. I was not loved when I was with my biological mother. She loved her boyfriends and drugs more than her kids. I don't remember any of this, this is what I have been told. My mother was a very self distructive person. I'm scared of men, no matter if I'm dating them or not. The only man I am not scared of is my father. When I first start dating a person it's so hard for me to even sit next to them without the feeling that I'm going to throw up. The just freak me out, I have lost alot of relationships because of this. I feel one bit of love for them and Freak and run, run as fast as I can.

Those that know me know that I don't cry easily. Whenever I see someone in pain it doesn't even make me cry, there is something wrong with that. It's like I'm not in the room with them, and wished I wasn't. I do not do good at all at consoling someone. I sucke majorly at it. I get all tongue tied and don't know what to say or do.

I have a lot of unresolved issues from my past before my adoptive parents. There are gaps missing, I have flash backs but they do not make sense, it's like trying to put together a puzzle when you do not have all the pieces.

I blame my biological mother for alot of how I am today. I blame her for the relationship I have had with my mom. I believe whole heartedly that the reason I lashed out at my mom was because I couldn't lash out at the one person that I was truly mad at, my biological mom. My mother didn't deserve the way I treated her while I was growing up, and frankly I don't know why I acted the way I did.

I hear that the age I am at right now it is common to have these questions about life and what not. So maybe it's just the age, but if it's just the age, then why have I had these thoughts all my life? I have only 1 time thought about ending all of it. I was in the 10th grade and I had a fight with my mom, I said some hurtful things to her, things that even today I can't take back but wish I could. I went to the bathroom and took out bottle of pills of my fathers. I didn't even get as far as opening up the bottle, I couldn't do it. Yes it would be easier to end the pain, but I could not put my family through that. I don't have those thoughts anymore, I'm stronger than that. I just get into these phunks every once in awhile, especially when something major happens in my life.

I admit that I have dealt with the pain in different ways over the past, and still deal with it, but not in the best of ways. I'm not proud of what I have done to everyone in my life, even though I try hard to be better it's like I'm getting no where. Again those close to me know what I'm talking about. And no I didn't do anything tonight, I wrote here instead.

I'm not writing this so everyone will read it, that's not it. I don't have this blog for that, course I do like that people out there care and do read it, but this is for me, I need and outlet, or I'll just absoluely loose it. Even as I explained throughout this post of my anger and how I manage ie, NONE of us want me to absolutely loose it. I've lost it once before, it was not a good thing either. I black out and don't know what I'm doing, so to avoid that and other things that I may do to relieve the pain, I type here.

My mother states that she will tell me my biological mothers name all I have to do is ask. I have not desire to meet this bitch, but sometimes I wish I did have her name, because I know she's still lives in the same town or surrounding area, and just tell her how all this has effected me.

You know I was alot better when i thought the state took me away, somehow that was in my head, that the state interviened and took me and my brothers away (i don't know who my brothers are either, just know I had 2). It was easier to deal with. But to learn that you weren't wanted and your own flesh and blood is the one who willingly put me into foster care, just so she can do her drugs and her men. That kinda makes a person feel worthless you know. My father from what I gather wanted me, but couldn't provide or take care of me, as he was in jail at the time, he dien't want to sign his rights over, he refused until he knew who wanted to adopt me, then he signed his rights away to them.

I have the best parents in the world, and God i wouldn't change that for a minute. yes my mother and I have had are battles, but I believe since moving out that we are doing better than ever. She still gets on my nerves but you know i'm glad she's here to get on my nerves. My father is the sweetiest man I know. No matter how long and far I look I will never find another man that compares to my father.

Well enough blabber for one night, i just needed to type. This has helped, I needed to get this off my chest, why I don't know. But I think I can go to sleep now.

6 of you stopped by and said:

At 6:29 AM, Blogger Rachel said...

Getting things off your chest is the first step. I was 28 before I realized that my mother had alot of issues/problems she projected on to me or blamed me for but in reality those were her problems. Not that I was perfect either - nooone is.

Try to focus on by giving you up to be adopted she did what was best for YOU. That may not be why she did it but it's what you should focus on. Then think about all the good things your parents did while you were growing up and realize you would have none of those if your birth mom hadn't given you up. Maybe even write them down too, it might help.

Not trying to be bossy, just trying to help cuz I know what it feels like to wonder why are you here, why did you get the parents you got, stuff like that.

 
At 9:51 AM, Blogger butterfly_chic26 said...

Oh i know if I had a life with my biological mom I would be a total mess right now. I have had such a wonderful life with my mom and dad and i do thank god for it everyday.

I mostly always think about the good things not the bad and the ugly, but like i said i was a in a phunk last night.

Thank you for commenting :D

 
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At 2:16 PM, Anonymous Laura said...

The purpose of life is to live here on earth and go through all the trials and tribulations that come before us and to make the right decisions and learn from the wrong ones so we can make the right ones in the future and learn about God and Jesus and after all this is done, go and live with our Heavenly Father.

Sorry you are having a rough time.

 
At 3:47 PM, Blogger BarnGoddess said...

soul searching....yep it comes about mid twenties if I remember right. you do not know it yet, but you've made tons of progress by just writing that post. you have every right to ask such questions about your bio parents and feel the way you do, you are human. I hope you snap outta your 'phunk' soon, for the record....I like coming here, I think you are unique and interesting, Im glad you got a puter at home again!

 
At 9:33 AM, Blogger Lisa said...

I am glad you got all of that out! Rember I am hear to listen if you ever wanna talk! I am glad your mom gave you to your parents, they made you into the person you are today and I really like that person!

 

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