Sunday, July 23, 2006

Just another Sunday...

Well today was in the most part a good day. I went to Bartlesville and hung out with my girl Laura, I miss hanging out with her. We ate at this good Mexican place, and I'm still full, then we went to the goodwill, were I bought a dress. Something that I never imagined I would ever buy with my own money. This will be the first dress I have boughted and owned for about 3 years. I just don't do dress, but lately for some odd reason I've started turning into a girly girl, lol. Then we went to Hastings where I bought a used copy of my favorite TV show of all timed, Charmed Season 5. I'm gonna miss Sunday evenings this fall when it doesn't come on anymore, sniffle. THen we said our goodbyes and I came home to an empty house, except of course the dogs, then realized that this is my life.

I talked to my mom tonight, she said that I should really keep my eyes opened on James. See, James and I are an iffy issue at this moment. I know that there is a reason why I called the wedding off, but there's something there in the back of my head that will just not let him go. I know i'm being used at this moment, and I know that thier is only one reason why he does contact me, and I fall for it everytime. I don't know why this is, I really never have had this type of emotion before towards a man, not even the man I dated for almost 5 years, and I loved him also, but I knew when it was over, it was over. This issue with James is harder to realize then the last. I think it is that I truly deeply do love this man, and I think that is the reason its so hard to let go. I know that there will be nothing I can do to make him change, because you can't change a person, only the person can do that.

I'm beginning to think that as people and our lives, is nothing but one big never ending Soap Drama. If you think about it, we could all easily fit into the scheme of All My Children, or The Young and the Restless. It's really wierd in a way.

I feel like I'm walking around in this imaginary show with invisible camera crew that is taping the everyday saga of my life. Some days are really good days, other days I just want to dig a hole and pull the dirt ontop of me. It's wierd in a way.

It has however given me the strenght to write my story, the one that I have struggled with for more then 6 years to finish. I have come a long way on it. I never believed for a moment that authors use thier everyday lives as a tool for thier creations, until now. Whenever I feel like there is no hope in the world of Love, I go to my story, where there is hope for the girl to get the man of her dreams. I'm pretty proud of that accomplishment. There is nothing more in then world I want than one time in my life, to have something that I have written published. This has been my dream since I was a little girl. I even wrote in my writing book from the third grade that I was going to become and "athor", that is how i spelt it, lol, and the back up plan to that was being a mom.

I think that if i use everything I have got in me that this will be a dream that could possibly come true. I have had people at work read what I have so far, and they ask me each and everyday, if I have more of the story for them. Each and everyday I have to tell them, unfortuniatly not much right now. But I know one day the book will come to a close, and it will be done.

Just don't know when the book of my ACTUAL life will come to a close, but I know there is a light, and that someday I will be the girl who is marrying that man of her dreams.

I seem to write something all gooey and depressing on sundays, to which I don't understand. I don't know if it's because maybe on Sunday's I have a lot of time on my hands just to sit around and think about life, and the world. I have a lot of emition on the weekends, which is wierd to me. But I think I will start listening to my girl Laura, and my mom about this James thing. Maybe it's not the best thing in the world to keep putting myself in the same situation, knowing that it will not lead to anything other than hurt, for the both of us. My mom thinks that James is a nice guy, but she keeps reminding me of the days that I came over with nothing but tears in my eyes, not knowing what to do. She said "You can do whatever it is that you want, I won't be mad either way, I just want you to be happy, and honey you weren't happy, and you are still not happy, and that to me is a sign that is not good. It hurts me to know that you are not happy. That is something I want more than anything in the world for you, happiness." I told her "I know you do mom, and I do too, I just don't know how to get there." We told each other we loved each other and hung up. I love my mom, we may have not gotten along while i was growing up, but she is one of my best friends now, and I cherish that.

NE WHOO, i best be taking a shower, and watch a couple of shows of Friends, so I can laugh. Then hit the sack, because sadly I have to work tomorrow :( boohoo.

OOOHHHH...I was going to type this at the beginning and I got side tracked, lol. I have never woken up from a dream crying before, but this morning it happened. I cried over a dog dying in my dream.....and I was really CRYING. It's wierd I can't cry in normal everyday life, but in my dreams I sob like a baby, lol. I'm one strange cookie!

2 of you stopped by and said:

At 11:34 PM, Blogger Rebecca said...

Do cherish Mom.

Love, as a person still and know I will always be In love with my ex...I heard the sond by the Rolling stones tonight.."You can't always get what you want, but if you try sometimes you get what you need". Maybe in a strange way he's just not what you needed...and somehwere (of course not when you are looking and hoping for it) You just might find (who) what you need....until then God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change the courage to changes the things I can AND the wisdom to know the difference. ...It's the wisdom that is hard to find and or accept.

At 2:40 PM, Blogger BarnGoddess said...

I need a day spent in B-ville. What Mexican place did you eat at?

I hate drama and hate having my life played out like a soap opera but a lot of times that is exactly how I feel too. I hope you get your 'James' thing figured out ;)


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