Sunday, August 20, 2006

Sunday Nothings...

well its Sunday night, and the dreadful Monday morning is lurking just around the corner, may I say ICK. Really didn't do much the whole weekend, just stayed inside the apartment, and cleaned and watched tv. Listened to some music, which I do do enough of. I am going to do that Friends blog...just need to watch season 10 to know where to take the characters to.

I think if I don't get out of this house, I'm gonna slip into a path that I don't want to go down. Messaged J this evening just to see what was up, how he was doing, and all that, and for some odd reason he thought it expected of him to say he went on a date. I said cool, nothing much said I was glad he had fun. What I really wanted to say was "I'm so glad that you aren't wanting a relationship at this time...blah blah f*in blah..." but I didn't. I think he said it to hurt, and well it did, but you think I'm gonna show that to him, no...

I don't know why and what it is that it does hurt...I mean um...I broke it off didn't I? So why is that I hurt so much by those words "I went on a date?" It was like a knife went through my chest right when I read it. No, the tears didn't come, but still it had the effect.

I guess it's because Guys can get a date whenever they want...really they can. It's us women who have to put ourselves out there and basically where a neon sign over our heads that say "I'M AVAILABLE". *Shrugs* Life...I don't understsand it.

I believe this and always have and always will. I was never destined to have that "Special" someone. I have had plenty of chances but I always, ALWAYS backed out of them. It's like I'm the guy and I have this commitment problem. The problem? The commitment part. It's better off, I'm okay by myself, I've never been a girl that needed the guy to be happy.....I have my dogs. (k, i realize that sounds sick). I'm not afraid of growing old by myself, never not knowing what it is like to have a family of my own, really I'm not.

K, remember when I said there's a path that I don't want to take, this would be the path. I am slowing going down this path, slowly mind you. I know I'm not supposed to be on this path, but for some odd reason I can not turn around and go back up it. I just keep walkin` down it, like some complete idiot.

I used to be able to move on past relationships, wrap my life into my tv shows, and books. But there comes a point that someone needs to open up their eyes and realize that is all but a dream, and get back to reality. I have yet to realize this, sure I know I just typed it, but I still don't believe in the reality part. I still dream of being some famous actress, going to all the hip hop parties and clubs, and dining with the other famous hotties out there (no, I'm not saying that I am a hottie, non the least!). But, you'd think I'd snap out of it, but no, I haven't. I guess dreaming is a lot better than actually living the life that you are supposed to.

I don't know. I know i've said that iw as determined to loose weight, and well besides not being able to eat any thing really solid for the last couple of weeks, and loosing the 10 pounds in a week and half, I really haven't kept up with that. i know that if I continue doing what I am doing now, I'll end up like I was when I was younger. I'm not the type of person who can diet normally, I go either eating WAY to much, to doing things that one is not supposed to do. And when I tell my mom that I lost this much weight, she said "Good job! Keep up the good work." That's what I heard the whole time I grew up, until finally I just said forget it and indulged myself into hamburgers and sonic icecream and then bloomed into the 215 pound pig that I became, and slowly going back too. You know what she said when I gained the weight, I did it to hurt her. Yes, in fact I did. She has such a control on what I ate when i ate it, and kept tabs on all the food in the house, and if my God a doughnut came up missing, I was the first person she pointed her finger at. When I got my first job at Sonic, I went crazy. My mom wasn't there to tell me NO NO you can't eat that. Imagine what she thought when I was 14 years old and finding that the whole bag of miniture powdered doughnuts, 1 bag of doritos chips, 1 bag of cookies, and 2 litters of pop were gone in one afternoon. Yeah, it was a shocker to her.

K, that was a switch of pace from where this stupid blog was going, sorry! I don't know I have all these thoughts in my head and I guess I just need to get them out. I call this my outlet, and sometimes I'm a little looney when it comes to my blogs. I do apologize.

It's off to bed I go, so I can wake up in my sucky apartment, and go to my sucky job, talk to sucky customers, and then come back to the sucky apartment, just to do it all over again. YEAH!!!! What fun!

*I'm okay, just needed to get some junk out of my head so i could sleep tonight.*

2 of you stopped by and said:

At 2:39 PM, Blogger BarnGoddess said...

I think your someone special, otherwise I wouldnt have came back to visit your blogger after the first visit!! dammit, I think its fine to be comfortable to be alone. If I suddenly found myself single, I seriously doubt Id remarry, just get myself a boytoy on the side. I agree J. said the date remark to hurt you,kinda like payback for you breaking his heart. Men are strange creatures...

At 4:02 PM, Blogger butterfly_chic26 said...

barngoddess - awww thank you so much :) That does mean a lot to me :) I don't see anything wrong with being single either ;) I just may stay this way!


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