Saturday, September 16, 2006

WARNING: BELOW WILL NOT MAKE SENSE...It's a PITTY PARTY

Okay, as I stated yesterday I was supposed to hang out with J today, or tonight. It didn't happen. No, I didn't break off the "hangingout" engagement, he did. I got this story stating that he had to work a full shift last night, and he would be to tired to hang out today. Well I see on his Yahoo messenger that his been idle for 4 hours...well...um...that doesn't seem like tired to me. I don't know why I ever asked him to hang out. It's never going to work out between us, so why do I even bother? Why do I even bother asking anyone to hang out, they never want to. I feel like I'm the "black plague" and everyone is trying to get away from me. This feeling really hasn't just popped up, it's been like this for most of my life since I passed the elementary age. With the exception of Laura, and Diana (but unfortunately I can't hang out with her she's 28 hrs away), I really don't have much friends.

Laura has always been there for me, whenever I needed a friend, or a sister, or a shoulder to cry on. I am so thankful for that. My funk really started the beginning of the 8th grade with my soul sister moved, which would be Diana. I know the transition was hard for her as well. We missed each other something terribly. It's hard when the person you hung out with everyday since the 1st grade has to move so terribly far away.

I remember the day she moved, just like it was yesterday. My mom drove me over to her house to say our goodbyes. Oh what a tearful one it was, we weren't the only 2 crying. We sobbed and hugged each other like there was no tomorrow. I gave her a christmas tree watch, and I had one too. Her mom started crying my mom started crying, and they really didn't know each other. But it was like they were loosing a second daughter for the both of them. I mean Diana and I didn't really spend 1 day apart from each other, yes, we had our fights, and quarrels, but we really did make up like friends do. She moved that night. I was alone. I had Laura then too, but she lived out in the country and I just couldn't go out there and see here when I wanted, so basically I was alone. I don't know if Laura remembers the funk that I was in following the departure of Diana, but like I said I do. One day I had something really exciting to call Diana about, I don't remember now what it was, but, in my thirteen year old mind it was something MAJOR. One to really never talk on the phone (still not) I picked up the phone and dialed her number, not thinking, some how I really thought that she would pick up the phone. All I got was the disconnected number message. I sat there in my room crying, I cried forever that night.

On the weekends I would go out into the backyard and sit on the swing and read. I read alot that fall and winter, more than I really ever did. My mom now tells me that she used to watch me out the kitchen window and not knowing what to do for me. That was the first time I experienced depression. I was this way for the first 6 months after Diana moved. I know she went through the same, she has told me. High school was a little better I did hang out with Laura, not every day, except in school. But then I picked up with the "wrong" crowd, I tried so hard to stay close to everyone, but one crowd was not excepting to the other. It was kinda difficult. Then the summer before my Sophmore year Laura moved. Not far only 14 miles from town, but that entailed her to have to go to a new school, and there I was again, at a loss. 14 miles isn't far, but it is when you can't drive it yourself, and have to rely on your parents to drive you there, and I only got to see Laura every so often. It was hard, Like I said Laura was there for me whenever I needed her, and with her so far away (a whole 14 miles) I didn't know what to do.

Then I got a car, my permit, then my license, switched schools, because all my "wrong' friends were pregnant, and somehow my mom thought that if I drank after them I would become pregnant too. So I went to the same school Laura went to. Oh those were the days. I had friends, I hung out, I got my first real boyfriend, whom I dated for 5 years, he was truly my first love, not anymore, lol, I'm over him...lol. So life was grand.

Laura got married out of high school, and I didn't see her much anymore :( But I had G (my man at the time), and we were inseperateable...we did everything together and were together almost 24/7. I didn't see home very much through those years, I hardly spoke to my mother, and when i did we would have full out yelling matches. Then G took this girl to a concert, my favorite band, which he mysteriously "forgot" to buy me a ticket. Then I found out he too her, and Yes I knew who "her" was. I got so mad, I went to his work place waited outside by his car and then when I got into his car i just blurted out "do you want to date her?" the look he gave me was priceless, lol. It was that "oh shit" look. He said that he didn't want to date her, I yelled and I cried, (i really never cried infront of him, I don't cry in front of a lot of people). I said "okay fine, lets just forget about this, and move one from here." he said 'okay" and that was that. So, I thought. The next day I couldn't get ahold of him, I finally just left a voicemail on his machine to come by Staples (where I worked at the time) after 8pm which was when I was to get off work. He did, that's when my life again fell to pieces. I yelled and I screamed again in the middle of staples parking lot. All he did was sit in his brand new mustang and smoke one cigeratte after another not saying a word. I asked him "Do you want to date her?" again, and this time he looked up at me, not with the 'oh shit' look but the look that all girls know as "yes", and said "I don't know what I want right now."

I couldn't believe my ears, what?!?! Which is what i said (lol). "So you are saying that you are going to through this almost 5 year relationship down the tubes (we had a date set for the wedding, go figure it was May 26th, the same date I had on my invitations for this last wedding, when I get married finally, It will be no where NEAR the month of MAY!!) for a jolly with her?" I asked he looked at me and didn't say anything, which gets on my nerves still to this day, say something you TWIT. "This is because I got fat isn't it?' i asked, he said "no, i'm not like that and you know it." and i came back with "well you are dumping your "pig of a girlfriend" for "miss twig", so what am I supposed to think?" that was that, his last words to me were this "please don't do anything to yourself." and left.. WHAT?!?! I'm not a guy, i don't go "if you break up with me I'm gonna kill myself." I was so upset and distrout.

I remember walking through the door to the pool room in Laura's my and stepdad's house. I remember her stepbrother saying "hi susan." and her Step dad saying something but don't remember what. I'm sure I said "high" back I don't remember. I just walked through the pool room into the dinning room and into the living room. Laura said "SUSIE'S....here." She was so excited that I was there, but then she saw the tears in my eyes, and she got up off the couch and I said "we broke up" . I don't remember much after that, i was in a fog. I remember I stayed in my pajama's for 3 days straight, and didn't go to work, stayed in bed for the 3 whole days. I told my mom I was sick, but she knew better. She finally broke down and came in and asked me what was wrong. I started crying again, which was what I was doing for 3 days, but alone. It was like a movie, she sat on my bed and I grabbed her, which I think she was surprised, we didn't get along well at this time. And I just cried and cried, and stated "i don't know what to do with my life now mom. He was my life" She and Laura were there for me through that.

Then there was the part my mom didn't know about. I was late, yes that late, Laura knew. It wasn't unusal for me to be late, but this was a different kind of "late". I've had those "late" spells about probably 5 times in my life. Laura knew about this, because I remember the last date of what would of made me "late" happening, and this wasn't right. I was extremely "late". I never did go get a test I didn't want to know. I mean um, what was I gonna tell him. The girl he dumped me for died 3 days later in a car accident, and we hadn't talked. So what would I say or do, if i was "late" for a reason then was I supposed to go and call him and say "I'm late" that didn't seem like the something to do. So I didn't do anything but sit at Laura's house and worrie. I was late for i don't remember how long, I don't know if Laura remembers how long either. But it seemed like an eternity, it wasn't the few days or a week "late" it was longer. I remember that Thanksgiving passed (we broke up in late october) and still no since of that special monthly time for me. I think it was shortly after my birthday (which is in december) that it finally came. It was the most painful period i have had in my whole entire life, and I have some extreme period problems (spare you the details). I don't know if it was just because it was so long for me to get it, or if it was actually something else entirely differently. But that as I stated was most painful period I have ever had.

But Laura was there for me, and I was there for her when she and her ex was going through hard times, but I don't think I was very much help. I can't seem to handle other peoples emotional problems as a friend should.

This is a very long post and I'm sorry, and no, I'm not done yet.

I was late again this summer, the same kind of late. I really thought I was pregnant, I would of been J's, we did and "oops" type 2 times. I again didn't get a test, but this time it wasn't because "i didn't want to know" it was because if it said no i wasn't that would of been way to painful. I was 1 1/2 weeks late this time finally I broke down and got a test, I took it it was negative. But again I still didn't think that was right. I had all the signs of pregnancy or what I thought at the time as that. So I took the test again (it had 2) and it still said no, and I was so bummed out. The next day I started. I was 2 weeks late, but this period was just that, nothing unusual with this one. I was crushed on this one. I deep down wanted that "baby" even if there wasn't one. Laura knows this too, in a way it was good not to be, I am not finacial stable or emotionally stable at this time to have a little one.

I have always stated that I don't want children. Well, that is beginning to change, I do want children. I want to expeirence the whole pregnancy, the morning sickness, ALL of it. I don't know...

I know this was A LOT of stuff to jumble up into one post...I guess what I'm trying to get at is this...I'm going down that rode to where all I want to do is sleep. I have no desire to even eat, I force myself to do that, that has been for about the last 3 days. I wasn't like this in the beginning of the week, I was starving the beginning of the week, but since Wendesday evening, I just have no desire to eat, I sleep all the time, but really not sleep, it's that restless kind of sleep. Every dream I have is of me having this "baby" that I know I probably won't ever have. Because in order to get that "one" man for the rest of my life, i have to um..be social, and I'm just not the "social butterfly" as I really wish I was. I'm not happy with the way I looke, i'm fat, and I'm ugly. That's the way I feel. I don't know. Maybe being a woman in her almost late twenties (god, I'm almost in my late 20's only 2 more months and I'm there, how depressing) not in a relationship, no money, no insurance, a job that pretty much is going no where, and one that I may not have after the new year (long story on that too), I can't afford to move, I'm totaly beyong broke. I have 1 dollar, and it is only 3 days after payday. I have no food in my house other than a couple cans of soup, and some romain noodles, and dog food. SO right now my life pretty much sucks ass.

WIth that said I think I'm gonna go to sleep now, and I think i'm gonna sleep all day tomorrow. Since that is what I've been doing most of the last 3 days to begin with (no I didn't no get my list done, I have only done 1 thing on that list which is laundry, because of the fact I would of had nothing to wear on monday for sucky ass work). I really need to do the dishes...I don't want to. I do need to sweep dust and shampoo my carpets, I don't want to do that either. Bed just seems to overcome all that. See this is the path I didn't want to go down...and I am on it, and you know I really don't want to get off it right now.

Well now that I have had my monthly Pitty Party I'm going to bed!

11 of you stopped by and said:

At 12:05 AM, Anonymous diana said...

susie you need to get up here i've missed you so much too. after i moved i lived in my room for the next year and a half. i really don't remember living in idaho falls. once you get enogh money get up here and have a happy life my whole family is waiting

 
At 2:59 AM, Anonymous Paige said...

depression sux
I just want you to know that I understand how you feel.
Paige

 
At 3:10 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

http://mfrost.typepad.com/cute_overload/
This site cheers me up sometimes

 
At 11:57 AM, Blogger FelineFrisky said...

Oh, how I know where you are. I'm sorry you feel so alone, you could really use a good hug & cry session. Typing doesn't help. Depression is what you're suffering from. I don't know how to help you from here, but I am here for you. Please feel free to email me, I will check oftern for you. Somehow, you need to focus on something positive, a small accomplishment. Some small goal you can achieve. This will give you a bit of a lift. Each small task you complete will halp you move on tto the next. Try hard not to be so tough with yourself. We are our own worst critic. I am here. D :)

 
At 12:00 PM, Blogger BarnGoddess said...

2 words: MEN SUCK

but they are also necessary...

your post made sense, it was far from a 'pitty party'.

J is an ass...but we knew that already.

there is someone out there worthy of your love, dont give up.

Remember, I am just across the state line if ya need me!

 
At 2:51 PM, Blogger brian said...

Hi Susie,

First off ((((HUGS)))). You need to get together with BG...soon and ahve a girls night out and talk and have some fun.

Not all men suck....some of us lick. ;)

 
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At 8:53 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

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At 7:14 AM, Blogger KSHIPPYCHIC said...

Wakey wakey! Get out of bed and get some sunshine in yer face!! And if that means a little help from a doc and some pills, well ya gotta do what ya gotta do! Yup, the downs suck - hard - painfully so. But there is help, an people who care out here ok? Thinking about you - and hoping you feel better soon. Maybe the wheather change will be good for us!

 
At 11:52 AM, Blogger BarnGoddess said...

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