Saturday, October 21, 2006

The Phone Call...

Believe it or not that there was someone before J, someone that had my heart from the word go, but, this someone and I couldn't no matter how we tried, to seem to be together. His name was Nate, and he was supposed to get married this month, to the girl that came between us. Out of the blue last night he emailed me stating that he wanted my phone number he needed to talk to me. So i gave him my phone number, and anxiously awaited the phone call. In about 20 minutes he called me. This is how it played out.

He said that she called off the wedding 3 weeks before it was to happen, because she thought he was cheating, and I believe him when he said he didn't except for with me, and that was a year and a half ago, around July 1 of 2005, she has told lies to his family so they have not called him in over 1 month.

He asked me what i was doing told him i'm about to get laid off and he said "want to move to iowa, i have a house and make 800 bucks a week (damn)" i said "well, honey I would but i'm back with my ex, and things are going good right now" and he said "i had a feeling that you were going to say that"

He said that he felt bad for not going through with what he told me, which was for him to move down here, and live with me, he would of been 10 times happier than he was ever with her (hehe i'm that good), and he is sorry he f*ed it up.

I said 'hey it's okay what we did was in the heat of the moment, it was like a snap of a finger, us being together just wasn't in the plans at the time"

He apologized serveral times, and I told him "Nate, I don't want the friendship we had to go away, i will always be here, my phone is always opened to you" and he said "don't be surprised if i call you once a week" and i said "that is fine I'm your friend if you need someone to talk to then I am here, but I can not and will not leave j" and he said "i would never ask you to do that" and i said "good, because if it is not meant to be with him i want it to die on its own I am trying hard to get things back where they were" and he said "i understand totally"

i said we weren't meant to be together, but maybe we were just meant to be friends, and he understood compeletely, and i said "if i were not with J right now don't think in a heart beat i wouldn't move up there with you, because I would" and I actually WOULD do it, my parents would flip the hell out, but o'well, lol, i also said "i'm in love with j and right now all I see is him, and no one else." and then i added "man, this could of happened like a month ago!"


It was hard really hard not to just crumble, hard for me to just say forget my life here and move to Iowa and be with him. But in reality I can not do that, and will not do that to J, it would not be fair, I mean we are trying right now, and we are both in the agreement that we will fight hard for what we had. I just think it is strange how things play out. How he was supposedly "happy" with her (nate) and that they were going to get married this month, and how i was supposed to get married in May, but didn't and now am back with J.

I think I handled it well, but I still fill a tad bit guilty for even taking the phone call, but it was closure, closure we both needed. When we hung up he said "I love you" and I said "I love you" back, now that may have been the wrong thing to do, but honestly I still do, is it possible to love 2 people at the same time? Granted I have more love in my heart for J, but there is still part of my heart that will always be Nates. We have known each other for 3 years, and dated for about 1 1/2 years. Nates last phone call was last october, he said that he would call me on a friday night, he never did, and then the email was the first time I've heard from him since he announced in March that he was getting married. Last october was when I found J. It was like God closed one door, and then opened up another for me.

J doesn't know about Nate, and I don't think he ever will. I can not find the words to bring up Nate to J. There is something there with Nate that is so personal to me that I don't want to scare J. Am I bad for having these thoughts? Or is this just how closure goes??

4 of you stopped by and said:

At 6:33 PM, Blogger Rachel said...

Well, I told ya and I meant it. You did the right thing in letting him call because he obviously needed very badly to talk to you. Now he knows where things are and that is better than not knowing.

Thanks for the sweet words on my blog. It's gonna be a long road one I hope brings me some peace in my life.

At 2:09 AM, Anonymous Diana said...

you can love two people and have more love for one person then the other. I just hope that J never finds out about nate from anyone other then you. I think it would be best if you told him because if you don't and somehow he does find out it won't be good.

At 9:22 AM, Blogger BarnGoddess said...

You handled it very well.

Id be very leary of going IA w/ N.

I could list atleast 10 reasons why but I am sure you know every one of them....

life should come w/ a handbook dammit

At 4:19 PM, Anonymous madd said...

Tuff place to be in, but you did good! There is nothing like an old heartbeat that still owns a bit of your heart calling and saying hey I want you back..but..and it's a really big but..hindisght is always 20/20, the grass is always greener, etc, etc..good for the ego too, however you need to be true to yourself and do just as you told are working on the place that you are in right now with the person that you have chosen to be with right now, not the past or the future, but right now..that is not to say your heart can't give a tug or an answering I love you...that's just the way we are built, able to love many people in many ways all at the same time..right now J has the real capital LOVE in your heart..all the rest are just small loves..:)stay the course and it will all make sense in its own time..yup life is but a ..very exciting ride that we need to hang on tight and enjoy..laughing as hard and as often as possible...take care ..m


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